


Can I look at You?

by ao_no_uma



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Gen, Growing Up is Hard, Self-Esteem Issues, Vomiting, give Chirrut a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 16:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10495236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ao_no_uma/pseuds/ao_no_uma
Summary: What happens when blind self-doubting teenager feels awkward about their own body and want to compare themselves with peers but are unable to.





	

Being blind from birth, despite common beliefs, wasn’t that bad. Chirrut may have never understand what colors are, or what certain things like sunset or NiJedha’s landscape looked like, but with everything else, his other senses provided him enough information about surrounding world to navigate in it. It was sufficient for him. Listening to how people described everything as they see it, the shape, the color (whatever it was, other than different wavelength of light. Besides, what was the light?), how it pleased someone or not – it all made Chirrut’s head spin. On the other hand, people seemed similarly shocked when he described how he perceive world as a compilations of sounds and touches.

Situation wasn’t bad, although had one major flaw – certain objects being out of his reach remained mystery for him. It applied to untouchable things like sky or stars, as well as other people. For Chirrut people were voices coming from different heights, accompanied with various sounds their owners emitted – their breaths, noises made by things they wore. He was able to acknowledge his own body, but how it appeared in comparison to others’ – he had no idea. People didn’t like being touched in general, and the way Chirrut touched them to “look” seemed particularly uncomfortable for them. Once or twice Chirrut asked only to touch their hands, and despite their consent they stiffened immediately feeling his fingers probing at their flesh. Of course, he experienced physical contact with colleagues during training, but he was too focused on fight to analyze opponent’s body build.

Not knowing how other people appearances was just a tiny concern in the back of Chirrut’s head for the most of his life. Until his own body began to change rapidly. First, commonly used objects changed their places – what he had needed to reach up for was now at his eye level, and what had always been in front of him, he needed to lean down for it now. Voices that had used to come from above, now came from mouths closer to his ears. He’d grown up, he heard people chatting. Yes, he’d grown up, and now most of classmates’ voices were emitted somewhere at his shoulders level.

His own voice had become terrible squeak. Chirrut was so embarrassed with it he rarely spoke now.

Not only his height, but all of his physique had transformed. His shoulders widened, while hips stayed narrow, with bony hipbones protruding sharply. Muscles hidden beneath skin hardened thanks to daily workout. When Chirrut examined his body with fingertips in private of his bedchamber, he admired wiry coils of trained flesh on limbs and abdomen, but he couldn’t ignore a layer of soft tissue between skin and muscles he felt shifting underneath fingers. It probably was just a fat that had always covered his insides, but was it too much of it? Did others have this layer too? Guardians weren’t supposed to be fat. Was he fat? Should he get rid of it?

Chirrut started with extra trainings teachers quickly noticed, and scolded him for overeagerness. He tried to explain he needed to lose weight, and only heard “You’re fine. No need to lose anything” in reply, even though he still felt uncomfortable with his body being too big. He tried to eat less, but this time his colleagues caught him taking smaller portions; they added food on his plate and watched over until he ate everything. He found another solution – some time after meal he sneaked into empty toilet and forced himself to throw up. It was unpleasant and made his throat hurt, yet combined with discreet night training finally gave an effect he had waited for – annoying layer of fat thinned down.

He performed slightly worse at sparring, but it was a price he was eager to pay.

As usual, Chirrut woke up somewhere in the dead of night. Surrounded by constant darkness, he often had problems with sleeping for more than few hours; he didn’t mind, especially since he started new night routine. Bare-footed, he silently left the room and went to the part of temple with no living quarters, currently nobody to see him there, to run along the empty halls.

Sometime in the middle of third loop he bumped into something solid but soft. Meeting was unexpected and Chirrut lost balance; he’d fall hard on the floor if not a pair of big hands to grip at his arms.

‘What the hell are you doing here in the middle of night?’ male voice hissed.

Baze. Baze Malbus. Classmate. Internally Chirrut thanked the Force he wasn’t caught by any teacher.

‘I can’t sleep’ he lied.

‘”Can’t sleep” my ass. You leave your room every night for past two weeks. Currently you’ve been running for half an hour.’ His voice changed. It was lower, coming from the deep of his chest, unnaturally muffled as if there was something in its owner’s throat. ‘Chirrut, what’s going on with you?’

Concern, Chirrut realized. Baze was concerned about his recent behavior.

But he wasn’t able to voice his thoughts to Baze.

‘Let’s get back to bedchamber before we got caught, shall we?’ Baze proposed when no reply came from Chirrut.

‘Sounds good’ Chirrut answered indifferently. The hands let go of his arms, places where they were laid suddenly prone to cold air. Baze moved first and Chirrut followed him, listening to the other boy’s steps.

Chirrut was about to disappear in his room when the hand fell suddenly on his shoulder, making him jump.

‘We haven’t finished our talk. I guess you are still not sleepy’ Baze leant in and whispered into his ear. Anxiety settled on the bottom of Chirrut’s stomach stirred, but he nodded and tugged at the hand to invite Baze inside his bedchamber. He supposed every apprentice had similar sleeping room, nothing here to surprise Baze. He sat at the head of bed and patted a spot beside him for Baze to join him; his classmate followed the hint.

‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ Chirrut asked casually, keeping his voice low.

‘You really think no one noticed?’ Baze grumbled. His deep voice (how Chirrut envied him that voice) was full of different notes: anger, foremost, worry Chirrut had heard before, and something similar to fear. He wasn’t certain, Baze was a silent type and Chirrut hadn’t heard him enough to asset his mood for sure.

Chirrut let the question sink in the silence, so Baze continued: ‘Your night runs, after teacher banned you from overexercising yourself at classes. And I know you force yourself to vomit after every meal. You are a walking skeleton now. So, the question is – what the hell is happening to you, Chirrut?’

Heart hammered heavily in Chirrut’s chest, threatening to break ribs. He could hear Baze’s pulse was quickened too.

‘I wanted to lose weight’ Chirrut murmured in answer, silently as he hoped Baze wouldn’t hear it. But he did.

‘From what? You’re as skinny as straw!’

Chirrut opened his shirt and poked at his waist, where flesh moved under his finger. ‘The fat, you see? I need to get rid of it.’

Chirrut didn’t expect Baze to erupt with barely muffled laughter. His face grown hot; “blush”, he remembered. His cheeks supposed to change color so everyone know one was embarrassed. How could Baze say he’s skinny if he laughed at his fat…

Rustling of other boy’s clothes and much more quiet, ‘Give me your hand’. Chirrut hesitantly lifted it. Baze gently grabbed his wrist and moved it closer to himself. Chirrut’s fingers touched the skin, prodded at soft yielding flesh.

‘This is fat’ Baze explained with audible joyful note in his voice. ‘Believe me, you have none of it.’

Chirrut retracted his hand. It all confused him terribly. ‘But you’re so strong! I heard other boys admiring you, they were jealous of your body…’

‘It doesn’t work like, “You have fat – you’re weak”, Chirrut. It’s just a thing of different body types. You’re all lean and wiry, while my muscles are hidden under that squishy layer. I can get more hits, but I’m much slower than you. I’m sure you already know it, we spar for years.’ Baze’s voice was calm, explaining.

The silence fell for long seconds.

‘I don’t know how others look’ Chirrut confessed. ‘If I’m like them, or am I somehow different. It’s distressing.’

‘You can look at me’ Baze offered. Chirrut flinched.

‘It requires a lot of touching. People don’t like being touched, not in the way I do it to “look” at them…’

‘I don’t mind.’

The bed dipped when Baze scooted closer to Chirrut. He took blind boy’s hands in his and slowly moved them to his face. Chirrut froze, afraid to move.

‘Come on’ Baze encouraged.

Chirrut felt other boy’s cheekbones under his fingers. Baze’s face was a little wider and rounder than his. He moved fingertips very carefully; he found the nose (also a bit wider than his own) and closed eyes he gently outlined with thumbs, acknowledging familiar almond shape.

‘Some people had more round eyes’ Baze added. His face shifted in what Chirrut guessed was “smile”.

His fingers continued their way to brows, then temples and down to ears. Chirrut made a quiet surprise noise when he felt Baze had completely different ears.

‘Yeah, they terrible, aren’t they?’ Baze murmured, his face growing hotter under Chirrut’s palms.

‘They’re different than mine’ Chirrut answered. ‘Are yours wrong in some way?’

‘No. Just, people tend to have ears like yours.’

‘I don’t think yours are worse than mine. I like them.’

Baze had longer hair. Guardians, both acolytes and adult, were ought to cut them short, but it seemed Baze’s hair was short enough. It was combed back from top and sides of his head and tied at the nape of neck.

‘What color is your hair?’ Chirrut asked, genuinely curious.

‘Do you even understand what a color is?’

‘Probably not. Tell me anyway.’

Baze chuckled. ‘It’s black, just as yours. Black is no color, so perhaps it’s the only one you know.’

Chirrut nodded pensively.

He moved hands lower to neck (much thicker than his) and bare shoulders. When he dipped fingertips a little deeper, he felt the muscles of which existence he was well aware of, when Baze overpowered him on trainings, but overall, Baze’s arms were softly curved, no sign of strength hidden beneath. Same came with pectorals and thick waist. For the whole time, even with unsure swipes of other’s fingers, Baze stayed relaxed, somehow natural with Chirrut touching him so deliberately, no stiffness at all. Chirrut realized Baze trusted him completely with his body, and this thought made tears to well in his eyes.

‘You see? If anyone’s fat, it’s me’ Baze made a cheerful remark as Chirrut took his hands away when he met a hem of his pants.

‘You’re not fat.’

‘Neither are you, Chirrut. Actually, you’re quite envied. Probably they don’t gossip about you when you’re in near, everyone knows your excellent hearing, but people want to have your body, and to be able to use it like you do.’

Blush took over Chirrut’s face again. He turned away from Baze, hoping to hide it in darkness of the room.

‘I personally find you good-looking’ Baze whispered. Chirrut hid his face in hands and Baze cackled. His hand patted Chirrut’s arm assuredly.

‘There’s nothing wrong with you, Chirrut. For now, you’re only malnourished. Please stop vomiting, okay?’

‘Yes’ Chirrut let his hands fall on his knees.

Baze stood up.

‘One more thing. If you…’ he hesitated. ‘If you ever want to know how someone look, or… You know, needed someone to act as your eyes, then just ask me. I’ll be happy to help you, before you hurt yourself again.’

‘Thank you Baze’ Chirrut replied. Tears were dangerously at the brink, he hoped to withhold crying until Baze left.

‘My pleasure. Now I wink at you’ Baze informed joyfully and went out of the room.

Chirrut stayed sitting on the bed with still rushing heart and thoughts racing in his head. Fingertips that had touched Baze only minutes ago still tingled with unknown energy. He finally let the tears fall on his cheeks.


End file.
